TF2 Analysis Shorts
by ShadowLDrago
Summary: Post "Seven Nation Army" TF2 shorts.
1. A Helping Hoof

In Coal Town, the ponies were busy repairing what had been destroyed and cleaning up the mess the Robots had left. One in particular, Lightning Bliss was in a good mood today, and was cleaning her Minigun while singing to herself. "I'm the L-I-G-H-T-N-I-N-G, and ain't no other pony cleaning gatling guns like me, I'm Blissylicious!" however, this had caught the attention of the local BLU Soldier, ToonKriticY2K.

"Well that's not very cute, I thought you were supposed to be all tough, and half-Russian." he teased.

"Go away, Toon, I'm cleaning Starlight here." she said, referring to her minigun.

"You have a real _short_ temper there, don't you?" he asked, knowing how Bliss reacted to short jokes.

" _What_ was that?" Bliss queried, following him.

"Hm? Oh, nothing, do you need a little help there? Or would you prefer a _short_ cut?"

" _ToonKritic_ …" the alicorn growled "You are this close to finding out what's red and black AND blue all over!"

"Ooh, you've got puns too, though I'm not too sure you can measure up to me, these puns are in short supply, and I'd hate to see you come up, _short-hoofed_."

"Right, that's it!" growled the alicorn, and went over to Finn who was nearby, having finished organizing a pile of robots "Fin! Hold me back!" she told him.

"Okie-dokie!" he said, holding her tail in his front hooves.

"I'm going to beat you so hard, red will be missing from the rainbows!" Bliss snapped at Toon, only for him to laugh.

"Oh, oh, oh this is too, too adorable, it's like watching a Chihuahua trying to escape on a _short_ leash."

"Grr, I'm gonna kill you, let me at 'im, let me at 'im!" growled Bliss, straining in Finn's grasp.

"OK." said Finn, letting go.

"Um, Finn? Next time, don't let go." Bliss told him, approaching him once again.

"Sure thing." said the helpful pony.

"Man, I always knew alicorn rage was in _short_ supply." mocked Toon.

Bliss's eyes turned full white as she powered up her magic in rage "When I'm finished with you, you'll be black, and red, and left for dead!" she threatened "Let me at 'im, let me at 'im!"

"All righty!" said Finn, letting go of her tail again.

"Finn, I think you're missing the basic point here." deadpanned Bliss.

"No I'm not." smiled Finn.

"Yes, you are." said a somewhat confused Lightning Bliss.

"You sure?" asked Finn.

"Yes! I-" she paused, "What was I doing again?"

"You were just about to order a drink, of course!" said Finn.

"Oh yeah, apple juice please!" she ordered from the Engineer who gladly gave her a box.

"I always have one handy!" he said cheerfully.

Lightning Bliss squeed and slurped it up "And I klink, klink, klink, klink, klink, klink, klink, all the live long day, I scrub my gun and get rid of all the robot heads that are on my gun!" she sang to herself, passing a bewildered ToonKritic.

"Wh-what just happened, what did you just do?" he asked Finn.

"Elementary, my dear Kritic, she was angry, and now she's not!" he said.

Toon looked a bit sad at that, he'd been enjoying riling her up.

"Aw, don't be sad buddy, look, I brought you your favorite milkshake!" he said, pulling out a shake identical to the one that had been destroyed by the Robots. Only for it to slip from his grasp and fall on the ground, glass shattering and the shake going everywhere.

"Oh. Y'know, I think I smell something burning." he said with a sheepish smile. "Probably my cooking. Bye!" he said, leaving ToonKritic to splutter alone.


	2. Duel Of The Snipers

In Coal Town, in the Badlands, GoldenFox was following Voice, looking incredibly smug. "Hey Voice, you know what this is?" he asked, waving his "Kill Everyone You Meet" Achievement he'd gotten for blowing up all the robots in his face.

"No, you've only been talking about it for the past five hours." snarked Voice.

"It's called definitive proof that I'm better than you." said the smug orange pegasus.

"Oh come on, that plot point was so contrived and you know it, do you even read the comments?" Voice asked.

"Oh what's that? Sorry, I couldn't hear the hate over the sound of your salt." he mocked.

"OK, that's it, 1v1 me, scrub!"

"Huh?" asked GoldenFox.

"You and me, we're settling this in a contest, winner takes all!" challenged the beige pony.

"So, what are we gonna do?"

"The object is simple. I call a shot and I try to do it, then you have to do a harder shot, if I can and you can't, I get a point, then we switch. Every time someone can't do a shot and the other can, they get a point. And the first pony to get to five points, loses." he explained.

"Alright, sounds goo-wait, isn't this horse?" he asked.

Voice just looked at him strangely. "Yes?" he asked, as if asking if that was a bad thing.

GoldenFox just glanced aside to an imaginary audience.

"Pull!" called Voice.

A robot head was launched into the air, and Voice blasted it out of the air in a single bullet.

"Beat that, golden colt." smirked Voice, GoldenFox having loaded a head into the catapult.

"Pull." said the pegasus. The head went flying, and GoldenFox hit his mark. "Piece of cake." he said smugly.

GoldenFox pulled back the catapult, loading 3 heads into it.

"Pull!" called Voice. He managed to take out all 3 with a single explosive headshot. "Your move, Goldilocks."

GoldenFox just loaded 10 heads into the catapult.

"Oh this I gotta see!" laughed Voice.

GoldenFox just breathed deeply, put a wing in front of his face, closing his eyes and said "Pull!" Voice let the heads fly, and GoldenFox fired the bullet, which bounced off Toon's helmet, off a wall, off the ground and a whole set of other improbable objects, and took out all 10 heads.

GoldenFox grinned smugly as Voice's jaw just dropped.

"Hacks! I call hacks!" said Voice, snapping out of his stupor.

"I can barely get this game up and running, you think I can actually hack something?" asked Fox.

"Well, if your earlier performance against the robots is any indication, you are a hack at something." snapped Voice.

"Well, you're, a poopyhead." was GoldenFox's scathing retort.

Voice stared at him, slack jawed, as if he'd just told him he was secretly Tirek.

"That's it!" said Voice, pulling out his Kukri and jumped onto Fox, the two getting into a Big Ball of Violence, fighting across the Badlands and Coal Town.

At one point, they passed Keyframe, Firebrand and Doctor Wolf. Firebrand just took a drink of water, looking thoroughly unconcerned. "Ugh, I'm surrounded by stallionfoals." he muttered.

"Eeeyup." concurred Keyframe. "And you were the one who hired them."

"Don't remind me." muttered Firebrand.


	3. Piece of Mind

Doctor Wolf was hard at work as always, trying to fix the respawn generator that had been severely damaged by Dusty, when Firebrand trotted in.

"Hey, uh, Doc?" started the Medic.

"Ah Firebrand, how goes the cleanup operation?"

"Managing a bunch of attention deficit trigger happy nerds on a cleanup project. How do you think it's going?" one could all but taste the sarcasm.

"Firebrand, none of that." chided the wolf.

"OK, _Dad_. Anyways, I came here because I have some news." he said, getting back to why he'd come to talk to him.

"Is it good news or bad news?" asked the Engineer.

"I'm, not, sure what kind of news this is, honestly." he said. "See this pile of ash?" he asked, jerking his head towards a sizable pile on the floor.

"Please tell me that wasn't important." pleaded Doctor Wolf.

"Depends. Apparently, every application we had for the two empty slots on the teams got destroyed in the crossfire." said Firebrand, delivering the news.

"Oh."

"Yeah, I know we didn't really accept anypony yet, and I know we had a few guys we were looking at, but, with everything that's happened..." a robot head fell through the ceiling. "I just thought I'd let you know." he grinned sheepishly.

The Doctor sighed. "Well, I suppose that's for the best right now, we can't really be thinking of adding anyone new to either team until we firmly reestablish ourselves out here. No idea what sort of dangers lie out on the horizon and I can't allow us to start training somepony when we could be under threat without warning."

"Wait, we train ponies?" asked Firebrand.

"Relatively speaking." Dr Wolf amended.

"Fair enough. Although it's always good to follow through with a nice from peck after scratching up corn."

"Yes, they-" Dr Wolf paused, processing what Firebrand just said. "What did you say?" he asked, bewildered.

"I said at least one application survived the fire." he repeated.

"I, uh, that's, not what you said the first time." he said, very confused.

"And it's, Mrs Wolf as the BLU Pyro." he said "Oh look, there she is now."

Dr Wolf's brain crashed. "WHAT?!" he yelled, seeing his wife having come out of nowhere in full Pyro uniform, including the mask, her tail exposed and her hat on top of the mask. "NO!" he yelled, then jumped, looking around frantically around him, no Firebrand, no Mrs Wolf as the BLU Pyro, just him and the respawn generator. He took a few breaths to calm himself, getting off the floor, "Oh dear, I've been workin on this for far too long." he said to himself. "Maybe I should take a break." he said, then heard an explosion, making him look outside. He saw Silver Quill running from Firebrand.

"Get over here you snarky, punny *yay* We're having roast chicken tonight, AND YOU'RE INVITED!" yelled the crimson Medic.

He sighed "Or maybe I need to get this generator fixed right now." he said, whacking it with his wrench. The machine started to glow brightly, then make noises, before the noises and lights became intermittent and shut down again. He sighed in frustration and pulled out his notepad, noting down what he'd done and what hadn't worked.


	4. Hennessy Heresey

(Apologies for not having updated in such a long time, I'm way too good at procrastination and really don't have a valid excuse.)

In the Badlands, Teams RED and BLU were sparring yet again. Lightning Bliss turned a corner, minigun ready to fire with Keyframe ready to pop the Uber on her.

Keyframe cackled to herself "Okotoberfe-ah!" she yelped as she tripped on something, and fell flat on her face. Said something was the RED Demopony, AnY, asleep on the ground and surrounded by empty bottles of cider.

Lightning Bliss hasn't noticed and kept galloping forward, her minigun Starlight held in front of her with her magic, a confident grin on the small alicorn's face, "Let's do this!" she said to herself, only to stop abruptly when she ran into Firebrand and Mad Munchkin, with Voice of Reason behind her. It didn't take her long to figure out that she was Medicless. In the face of so many weapons pointed straight at her, the shock of Keyframe having apparently abandoned her, and the sudden realization of how outmatched she was, she burst into tears, shocking the 3 RED Team members.

"Well. That's a buzzkill." said Maddie, clearly not very happy, walking away, followed by Voice and Firebrand.

Lightning Bliss returned to where she's lost the taller mare, still sniffling, "What happened?" she demanded to know, "You left me all alone, AGAIN!"

"It's not my fault." said the bespectacled unicorn, clearly unhappy, "Ask Oktoberfest here." she said, pointing at the unconscious AnY, who muttered something about something being loud.

"He's out AGAIN?" asked the incredulous mare "Are you kidding me? This piece of schnitzel cost us points!"

"I'll wake him up." said Keyframe, rolling her eyes. She cleared her throat and said, "Hey AnY, there's a new opening for RED Medic!" she told the Germane pony.

Quick as a flash, AnY hopped to his hooves, awake once again, "YES!" he cheered, then saw Lightning Bliss and Keyframe looking rather annoyed with him, and figured out he'd been tricked. "Oh. You know, by the 15th time I should weally stop falling for zat." he muttered to himself.

"You unsobered mule!" Lightning Bliss snapped at him, "Have you no shame? Drunk off your flank, passed out in the battlefield, and you call yourself a Demopony? I oughta whack you over the head with Starlight!" she said, briefly encasing the minigun in a magic glow for emphasis. "What do you have to say for yourself?" she asked.

"I say, cheers!" said AnY, grabbed another bottle of cider out of nowhere and started chugging it down, until a bolt from Keyframe's crossbow shattered it. "Hey!" he protested, turning to his long time friend.

"Look AnY, we get that the Demopony's shtick is to drink his brains out and have nothing but reckless abandon, but, it's not really a good time for that now. We still don't have the respawn generator, we're all still weak from the attacks, and who knows when Dusty or somepony worse, will come around? We NEED to be ready." she told him. "And we can't be if you're covered in booze bottles every minute."

AnY's face gained a look of panic "But I, _need_ it!" he said, as both the alicorn and unicorn levitated away his bottles, empty AND full.

"You need help, is what you need." countered Bliss.

"No, I mean, I need-" he protested.

"Trust me, AnY, you'll thank us later!"

"MISSION BEGINS IN 20 SECONDS." boomed the Announcer's voice over the speakers.

Any started to shake, hyperventilate and stuttering, clearly getting worse by the second.

"5, 4, 2, 1." said the Announcer, and the round began.

An explosion sounded near AnY, making him flinch and cower behind bales of hay, his shield over his head, pupils mere pinpricks of terror, "Make it stop, make it stop, I surrender!" he blubbered, not noticing Maddie and Sweetie Bloom in front of him.

"Well. That's a buzzkill." muttered the BLU Demo.

"Hah! 2 buzzkills in one day, a new record!" quipped the Soldier, before walking off as well.

Lightning Bliss trotted over to the cowering Earth Pony and said "Wow. I'm the smallest pony here, and you're more scared then ME?" she did not understand it.

"Why wouldn't I be?" he asked, his voice a lot higher pitched than usual, "Killer robots, mercenaries, explosions and gunfire everywhere! We can all die!" he said, then starting muttering to himself in his native language.

"Oh." Realization dawned on Keyframe, "So when he said he needed it..."

"He really meant he needed it." finished the rainbow alicorn.

"Well, I guess if it makes him stop crying," she trotted over to him, keeping her posture nonthreatening, not wanting to aggravate AnY's fear. "AnY!" she called out to him.

"Don't shoot me! I promise I'll never call you pregnant again!" he whimpered, cowering under his shield.

Keyframe simply extended a hoof. In said hoof was a full bottle of cider.

AnY opened his eyes, glanced at it, and grinned so widely he squeaked, putting his shield back on his side and chugging down the bottle of cider. "Oh baby, I missed you!" he told the bottle of Wing Pegasus cider.

"You do know that I don't allow any alcohol on the battlefield, right?" asked Doctor Wolf, crossing his arms.

Both mares blinked in unison "W-w-w-wait." said Keyframe "WHAT?"

"Seriously, I thought at least you two would know me better than that." said the sole biped.

"But, what has AnY been drinking all this time?" asked Lightning Bliss, very confused.

"Non alcoholic cider." said the Doctor simply, stunning both mares.

"Are," began Keyframe,

"You, " continued Lighting Bliss.

"KIDDING ME?!" both of them chorused.

"Haven't either of you ever heard of the placebo effect? Believe me, I've lost count of how many times I've told AnY that he isn't drinking anything alcoholic, but I guess he's just been in such a complete state of denial for so long, it kind of works." explained the RED Engineer.

As if to prove his point, AnY passed them, bouncing while singing a song in Germane.

"Glad to see him happy." snarked Lightning Bliss.

"Indeed, indeed." conceded the tall orange mare.

"Well then ladies, sometimes we need to remember that a _key_ to a happy life is that ignorance is _bliss_." said the Doctor with a smug smile.

Both mares stared at him, then pointed their weapons at him.

"May I remind you that we still don't have a working respawn generator?" said the Doctor, oh so smugly.

"Is this payback for the Sentry Gun buster?" asked Lightning Bliss.

"See? You're learning." said the Doctor, putting a hand on her shoulder.

Lightning Bliss's response was to faceplant, hard.

"Hey, AnY, can I have some of that?" asked Keyframe, going over to the brown Earth Pony.


End file.
